As a parent, when I hear about my child being bullied, my initial reaction is to HANDLE IT, and by "handle it," I mean with boxing gloves, not kid gloves. But before I allow myself to be dragged down into the "grown men out here having temper tantrums" muck, I'd like to think that I have evolved enough to realize there is something deeper going on here with kids. The root issue is pain—not the kind I would inflict fighting fire with fire, but a different kind of hurt.
The Root of Bullying: It’s All About Pain
Let's face it: bullies are hurting. Somewhere along the way, they’ve been wounded and haven't developed the tools to handle that pain in a healthy manner. So, what do they do? They project that pain onto others. It’s like when the Wi-Fi goes down, and suddenly, what should be a minor inconvenience ruins some adults´ whole days – and everyone in their houses or offices hears about it. LOUDLY! Similarly, kids who bully act out because they’re lugging around a heavy load of unresolved issues deep down inside.
Empathy: The Secret Sauce
As parents, it’s our job to help our kids understand that bullies are not born, they’re made. They’re the product of their environments and experiences. And as infuriating as it can be to see your child hurt or sad, I think it’s best to separate the bully from the bullying behavior. The behavior is the culprit here, not necessarily the child acting out.
Teaching Empathy to Our Kids
But here’s where we, the evolved, sane, rational parents (or at least we try to be), can step in and show up. We have a vital opportunity to teach our kids to see beyond the mean words and actions coming at them to see and understand what is really going on.
One thing that can help is using role-playing scenarios, where we act out different bullying scenarios and allow our kids to practice empathetic (but firm) responses. This type of exercise helps your child understand how to react and builds their emotional toolkit to have on the ready the next time a bully in their world gets wound up and blows a gasket. It’s also a good way to practice what standing up for yourself can look like, in appropriate ways.
The simple act of having open conversations with your child should also never be underestimated. By regularly checking in with your kiddos about their days — open-ended questions lead to a greater level of detailed sharing — and then, of course, listening (really listening) — we can create a safe space for them to express their feelings and even ask for help when they may have otherwise just kept everything bottled up inside (the key first ingredient for bully soup, ironically).
Whether we like it or not, our kids are always watching us, and nothing gets past them! This is why modeling empathy as parents is so important. Kids are like little emotional sponges. They absorb everything. If we consistently show empathy in our own interactions — like refusing to have our feathers ruffled by a rude cashier, or soldiering through with a smile when confronted by that epically grumpy neighbor (you know the one) — your child will learn from your example, and more often than not, mirror it.
Speaking of empathy, I’ve found that encouraging positive friendships in my kids’ lives can be a big help to them. It helps them build a strong support network of the right friends, and it can also surround them with a natural “buffer” to offset the contrasting negativity of bullies. If I can encourage my kid to spend more time with their friends that treat them well, and less time with the ones that don’t, I will.
Building a Supportive Community
Parents, kids, teachers, friends, we’re all in this together. Creating a culture of empathy and support starts at home, but it extends to our schools and communities. Getting involved with your child’s school is a great way to help build the type of community you want your kids to be a part of. You can advocate for anti-bullying programs and support systems to help promote a more positive environment and significantly reduce bullying incidents. And you’ll get a closer look at the kind of world your kid deals with daily when they’re at school.
There are also often an abundance of free or extremely low-cost community programs available, hosted by local organizations focused on youth development and emotional health. Examples of such programs would be Big Brothers Big Sisters or community sports teams, both of which foster environments where kids can thrive and feel supported.
Professional Support
And sometimes, kids need more than just parental guidance. If you are facing a situation that feels overwhelming and beyond your reach, don’t hesitate to seek help from child therapists or licensed counselors who specialize in dealing with bullying and its emotional impacts. There is zero shame in that game, and the support and guidance that comes with taking this route can prove priceless to you and your child. I’m a big supporter of professional help, I’ve seen it help people I love of all ages (including me) deal with some really tough issues and come out on top.
Bullying Is A B*tch!
There is no sugarcoating it: Bullying is a real b*tch! Every child deserves to feel safe and supported, and when my kids aren’t, that’s one of the most frustrating parts of being a dad. But by understanding its roots in pain and teaching empathy, we can help our kids navigate it with resilience and compassion, while teaching them how to respond to it well and how to talk about it. Let’s arm our children with the emotional tools they need to handle hurtful behavior—not with boxing gloves, but with understanding and strength.
I’ll do whatever it takes to help my kids when they’re feeling down or struggling with something. And sometimes kids just need someone neutral to talk to, someone who isn’t an authority figure that they know won’t judge them for having big feelings or not knowing what to do. Genie is always available when your child needs a listening ear — even in the middle of the night, on holidays, and after business hours — Genie exists to extend support, encourage, and empower your kids — and you as a parent.
If you’re curious, give Genie a try. Test it out for your kid and see why we’re so excited about it. We’ve seen Genie have some really positive impacts with kids who are struggling with these kinds of feelings and situations, it’s pretty awesome to see as a parent. Genie can even work on some of those role-playing scenarios I talked about earlier, in ways that are always safe and appropriate for YOUR kid.
